I'm not saying anything...

except Congrats x 2!! You know who you are. :) (what the hell were you thinking?)

Geek Wars

This weekend, the family and I went to a bbq. It was so much fun to meet everyone there and do what every nerd dreams of....Tricycle Racing!

Yes, we each had 3 turns around an obstacle course on an adult-sized tricycles (who knew they existed??).

Your friendly neighborhood Arrogant Sage



The Big D (doing his best West Coast Choppers impression)

Nostalgia

There are a few things I miss, now that I live at the far end of the United States....

• A full selection of Faygo pop. Mmmmmm, Redpop was my favorite.
• From Kentucky, it's Ale-8-One. A play on "A late one". It's a kind of ginger ale.
• Chips from Jays! I used to put them in the middle of my sandwiches. You haven't had bologna until you can throw a handful of Jays in there!
• I miss BW3. I used to work there in TN. The wings are out of this world. (yes, I had the sauces memorized)
• Cracker Barrel. Nothing beats a good breakfast at the Barrel. (yes, I worked there too).
• Okay, one thing can compare with b-fast at the Barrel....Sausage Gravy from Bob Evans.
• Nobody round these parts knows BBQ like they do in Tennessee. My hat is tipped to Slick Pig Barbeque in downtown Murfreesboro. Damn, I can taste it right now.

I'm making myself very hungry right now, so I should stop. I can't freaking believe it, but I miss Murfreesboro. Someone, please shoot me in the head.

Minding my own business

I was in the kitchen making miso soup...minding my own business, when C spoke from the living room, "Look Momma, I found an asshole!".
Yes, I was shocked. Then she said, "I found another asshole, Momma!"

I walk into the living room to find her eating black olives and looking at the "closed" end. For those of you who don't eat olives, there is a little cross-shaped cut in one end. She was saying, "I found the X-hole, Momma!"

Way to show off your alphabet skills, little one. :)

Letters

Dear Dad,
This may come as a shock, but I am mad at you. It’s funny, I never realized how much easier it is to be mad at mom, but not you. Maybe it’s because I knew she could take it and wouldn’t leave. I suppose I just didn’t feel that way about you. Don’t get me wrong; I always thought everything you did was golden. Especially after you died. I never had to analyze what went wrong.

After you and mom divorced, I think I may have lost trust. I didn’t trust you, and I could never stay in one place long enough to learn to trust anyone else. You took away our support system. I was constantly changing homes, schools, and friends. Do you know how that breaks down a kid?
Each time I had to start over, I left a bit of the real me behind. My coping mechanisms were not healthy. I got along with everyone because I refused to disagree.

What I needed from you was for you to love my mother, brother, sister, and me enough to stick around and work it out. I needed you to stay a more active parent. I know we were states away, but we could have talked more. And you should have insisted on summer visits, no matter how much I wanted to stay with my friends. Because that’s really what I needed, I just didn’t know it.

Dad, you taught me to never depend on anyone. If the man I idolized, who treated me like a princess, can leave my mom to fend for herself, how can I ever depend on any man? I can’t even trust myself. I put on an act every day for so long. I was never angry…I was never sad…I was Little Miss Happy Fucking Sunshine because I knew no one would abandon her.

I’m sorry it took me so long to purge this from my system. I’m sorry you are not around for me to tell it to your face. Most of all, I’m sorry I put you on that pedestal. Having a child of my own really makes me put things into perspective and I would love to apologize for not accepting your faults. You’ve always had such an impossible standard to live up to in my eyes. I hope you are at peace.

Dear T.W (Otherwise known as Ex-hubby),
I used to think it was the mark of a great relationship to never fight. So did you. We thought we were so great together because in our 9 years as a couple, I could count our number of fights on one hand.

Let me tell you the secret of why we never fought:

I never disagreed.

Sure. On piddly little things, but not on the big stuff. I gave it all to you. I let you decide who I was. Any move I made as an individual was quickly squashed. Not overtly and I daresay not even on purpose. I was just easily pliable. Let’s face it, there are lots of people in this world who can really get into someone who does everything you ask.

I don’t blame you really. In fact, I took it all out on you passive aggressively. In my mind, I cheated on you with every man who would give me the time of day. Something in me always knew I should have been done with you long ago. So much like my dad…I just wanted your approval. Sometimes I still write you emails in hope that you will respond with a simple “Way to go!” Of course, I’ll never hear it, cause you never really liked the real me.

Dear “The Big D”(Otherwise known as Hubby!),

Then there came you.

I was a week away from my first marriage when I met you. It was so easy to be your friend. I can’t believe how well you listened (it’s been 7 years, and you still do). Hell, I remember you taking notes when you saw it was important to me.

I’ll admit, the fact that I was married when we became friends made it so easy to fall in love with you. We didn’t have to hide our real selves from each other, because we weren’t expecting anything. There were no awkward pauses, just laughter and long serious conversations.
You have always lifted me up, even when you were in danger of having to let me go. You have truly taught me trust. Thank you.

"You found me when no one else was looking. How did you know just where I would be? You broke through all of my confusion. The ups and the downs and you still didn’t leave. I guess that you found what nobody could see, you found me."
Kelly Clarkson
“You Found Me”

Email Fun...thanks, E!

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is fore ver.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.>17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise
when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. 85% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

Where is the love?

I listened to the radio this morning as the morning show crew made fun of a woman who was too large to fit a proper seatbelt. Don't get me wrong, I am pretty sarcastic, and I am not immune from laughing at such antics....but where is the love, folks?

Do we even have an ounce of sympathy left in our hollowed-out hearts? Do we care? I know...I know...I am a pretty bad offender myself. It's like one of my favorite lines in Steel Magnolias: "If you haven't got anything nice to say, come sit next to me!"

I'm gonna try for a little more compassion. (Let's see how long that lasts)

I wish...

I wish I knew Karate or Tai Chi...actually, both...

I wish I could run a marathon...

I wish I could sing in a choir...

I wish I could play piano...

Sisterhood. It's not just for pants.

Last night my friends and I went out to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It was a sweet movie...perfect for a girl's night out. We all started crying midway through the movie and didn't stop until the end.
I urge you to see it...with girlfriends.

Then we went out to dinner (Read: margaritas) afterwards. I think we talked for several hours. Laughing...telling stories...just being girls.

I love my friends. Last night was wonderful.

Dirty Little Secret

I don’t want to tell my dirty little secret, so I tried to write a story about it. I’ve lost my touch for fiction though, and it didn’t come off the right way. This is the hardest thing I could ever do and I am not even sure I will complete this post. Of course if I don’t I will be hounded by those who care…and possibly those who don’t. And then maybe I will feel like crap if no one bothers to hound me about it at all.

Damn, that’s sad. Okay moving on. I don’t do pity parties anymore. I gave them up along with my teenage years.

Do you know what it’s like to constantly think about food? Do you know what it’s like when you are trying to stop yourself from thinking about food and your toddler is telling you she is hungry for the hundredth time in 30 minutes (poor girl already thinks food cures boredom). Do you know what it’s like to eat even when you are not hungry? Not occasionally…but all the time. Just for the taste of something. Hell, I’m not even talking not hungry; I’m talking completely full. Where is the fucking sense in that??

I hate food with every fiber of my being. I hate that I am fat. I hate that eating makes the reflux worse. I hate that if I don’t eat, I won’t live.

I eat to stave off boredom.
I eat to cure depression.
I eat to celebrate.
I eat because it’s there.
I eat in secret.
I eat in plain view.
I eat for self-comfort.
I eat when I loathe myself.
I eat when I think of how much weight I need to lose.

You know what’s funny? I love to cook. I find it very calming…even if I don’t get to eat what I cook(especially when I don't). I suppose the activity keeps me busy. I am thinking about food, but I am not thinking about eating it. It’s just there…an ingredient in my activity. When I cook, the food isn’t about me, but about the person it’s for.

Hello. I am the Arrogant Sage and I am a compulsive eater.