Letters

Dear Dad,
This may come as a shock, but I am mad at you. It’s funny, I never realized how much easier it is to be mad at mom, but not you. Maybe it’s because I knew she could take it and wouldn’t leave. I suppose I just didn’t feel that way about you. Don’t get me wrong; I always thought everything you did was golden. Especially after you died. I never had to analyze what went wrong.

After you and mom divorced, I think I may have lost trust. I didn’t trust you, and I could never stay in one place long enough to learn to trust anyone else. You took away our support system. I was constantly changing homes, schools, and friends. Do you know how that breaks down a kid?
Each time I had to start over, I left a bit of the real me behind. My coping mechanisms were not healthy. I got along with everyone because I refused to disagree.

What I needed from you was for you to love my mother, brother, sister, and me enough to stick around and work it out. I needed you to stay a more active parent. I know we were states away, but we could have talked more. And you should have insisted on summer visits, no matter how much I wanted to stay with my friends. Because that’s really what I needed, I just didn’t know it.

Dad, you taught me to never depend on anyone. If the man I idolized, who treated me like a princess, can leave my mom to fend for herself, how can I ever depend on any man? I can’t even trust myself. I put on an act every day for so long. I was never angry…I was never sad…I was Little Miss Happy Fucking Sunshine because I knew no one would abandon her.

I’m sorry it took me so long to purge this from my system. I’m sorry you are not around for me to tell it to your face. Most of all, I’m sorry I put you on that pedestal. Having a child of my own really makes me put things into perspective and I would love to apologize for not accepting your faults. You’ve always had such an impossible standard to live up to in my eyes. I hope you are at peace.

Dear T.W (Otherwise known as Ex-hubby),
I used to think it was the mark of a great relationship to never fight. So did you. We thought we were so great together because in our 9 years as a couple, I could count our number of fights on one hand.

Let me tell you the secret of why we never fought:

I never disagreed.

Sure. On piddly little things, but not on the big stuff. I gave it all to you. I let you decide who I was. Any move I made as an individual was quickly squashed. Not overtly and I daresay not even on purpose. I was just easily pliable. Let’s face it, there are lots of people in this world who can really get into someone who does everything you ask.

I don’t blame you really. In fact, I took it all out on you passive aggressively. In my mind, I cheated on you with every man who would give me the time of day. Something in me always knew I should have been done with you long ago. So much like my dad…I just wanted your approval. Sometimes I still write you emails in hope that you will respond with a simple “Way to go!” Of course, I’ll never hear it, cause you never really liked the real me.

Dear “The Big D”(Otherwise known as Hubby!),

Then there came you.

I was a week away from my first marriage when I met you. It was so easy to be your friend. I can’t believe how well you listened (it’s been 7 years, and you still do). Hell, I remember you taking notes when you saw it was important to me.

I’ll admit, the fact that I was married when we became friends made it so easy to fall in love with you. We didn’t have to hide our real selves from each other, because we weren’t expecting anything. There were no awkward pauses, just laughter and long serious conversations.
You have always lifted me up, even when you were in danger of having to let me go. You have truly taught me trust. Thank you.

"You found me when no one else was looking. How did you know just where I would be? You broke through all of my confusion. The ups and the downs and you still didn’t leave. I guess that you found what nobody could see, you found me."
Kelly Clarkson
“You Found Me”